Iubesc

It has now been over 6 weeks since I stepped on the dreaded airplane to come home from Romania. I expected my experience in Romania to be the hardest thing I had done in this life {at least so far}. I was wrong; coming home proved to be much harder.

How can I just continue to live this ‘normal’ life when I’ve loved children on the other side of the world so deeply. Children that have so little. Children that need to be loved.

Sleep is impossible. When I do sleep, I dream of the little ones. Everyday I selfishly make plans to go back, thinking maybe it will fix that part of me that feels so broken. The logical part in me says, “Brooke what are you doing?” “Brooke, you don’t have the money to do that.” “Brooke you have to finish school.”

When I finally talk myself out of Romania, I start thinking of other areas of the world that could use an extra hand. Other places that have new experiences in store for me, to teach me more about the people in this world and how to love. “Brooke, FINISH SCHOOL.”

Here is what I have discovered over the past several months: the world is huge. The world is full of love, but the world also needs love. And this huge, crazy part of me wants to go everywhere and love.

Just before I left Romania, I had to complete a small assignment that required me to plan out how I would adjust to life in the States. At the time I thought it was just more busy work, but I recently looked back and reread it and it turns out that I needed to hear my own words.

“I can come to love those I serve at home in the same way that I love the children here. My goal is to utilize what I have learned about love in Romania, and use it to bless other’s lives at home.”

People keep telling me that I just need time to heal. I don’t quite think that’s the answer, and I certainly don’t want it to be. Instead, I need to lose myself in loving and serving others. I’m learning that this is a process. It’s so easy when it’s mapped out for me everyday as it was this summer, but now I really have to work for it.

Where do I start? I am so beyond imperfect. I need help. And so I am forced to fall to my knees. I believe that the ability to love comes from my Heavenly Father. I believe that as I plead with Him to know how I can best become His hands, He will provide me with the love necessary to serve.

Romania taught me that love through sacrifice and service is easy. Coming home taught me that it is hard. I’m still learning what exactly that means. I’m still struggling (immensely) to truly understand service and apply it to my daily life. But I do know that love is abundant, and that happiness comes from learning to love and sharing that love.

Quite honestly, I just think I had to write this post to convince myself to stay right where I am. I’ve just got to keep going and trust that I’m exactly where I need to be.