I've entered a new stage of grief, and this one is 100% the most difficult. I hadn't felt it much before now, but here it is.
Guilt.
The day I went in for an emergency ultra sound (Tuesday), the imaging looked fine. The doctor explained she could do an examination but for a few reasons she would prefer not to. I knew I should have told her to do the examination anyway. But I held my tongue because she wasn't worried.
EVEN THOUGH THE ULTRA SOUND TECH SAID SHE THOUGHT SHE SAW A CONTRACTION???
The day I unknowingly went into labor (Thursday) I spent a good amount of time on the phone {gently} arguing with a nurse about how I was feeling. I knew something was wrong. I told her that I knew something was wrong. I told her all of the symptoms I was having that the doctor told me to look for. She shrugged it off and I let her. If I had gone to the hospital right then, Andreas would probably have made it full term.
These memories have entered my nightmares. I'm not cut out for this. And the more I type the more I realize that this is a nasty combination of guilt and anger. Why am I suddenly so angry?
Why did I let this happen? My mama instinct told me and I didn't listen. This is my fault.
Andreas, I'm so sorry. I love you.
